essays

When I was growing up, I don’t remember my mother wearing makeup. Maybe for an important meeting. That’s all I can remember. Or maybe I just didn’t notice much. But, to me, I an’t remember a single time makeup was part of the routine in our house. I also grew up with brothers —amongst their friends—which was a whole thing in and of itself.

I am learning that I never learned to value makeup. I have worn it from time to time. To cover up insecurities about acne. To try to make my eyes stand out with eyeliner and eye shadow. Still, it never seemed natural to me. And even now when I see pictures where I’m wearing makeup, I hardly recognize myself. It’s not the same light shining. Probably it’s because I never put it on properly. I never learned. So I never practiced. So I didn’t value it. So it wasn’t important.

With my hair, it has been the same. I have dyed it a couple of times in my lifetime using an at home kit. I got highlights once and twice, but that has been it. The woman who cuts my hair has cut my entire life expect on four occasions. She is a remarkable woman, like my mother, who has contributed to my understanding of femininity that honors natural beauty.

For some time now, we’ve heard the phrase toxic masculinity rippling through our language in society. Well, something that has been on my mind in response, is toxic femininity— the expectations we set about what it means to be feminine. Particularly when we give more time and attention to our fictious appearances rather than allowing our inner light to be shining.

Too often, I am the only woman in the room not wearing makeup. Yet, I hear all the time how we value natural beauty in women. That we want more spaces to be ourselves, instead of trying to fit in with someone else.

What is the reason for this inconsistency? Could someone explain it to me? Insecurity? It is the same feeling that motivated me when I was younger, so that must be it. The insecurity exists because we see other women looking “flawless” and we attempt to imitate them. Through any measures we can take —

Makeup, coverups, contours, and blush. Tanning machines. Teeth whitening. Lotions and perfumes. Anti-aging creams. Lipsticks. Eyebrow waxing. Hair extensions. Highlighting. Bleach blonde dyes. Boxtox. Wonder bras. So many “things” altering our appearance. Lifestyles that support the necessity of each of these things. Even with photoshop and lightroom edits. Living life by what we look like — what I am starting to refer to as the “toxic feminine.”

My concern grows as I see my friends and family having children. I see the influencers and what they are influencing. All learned behaviors that teach us to value something fake over something that is real. Desiring posed and orchestrated photos instead of experiencing the moment. Letting popular culture dictate our life, instead of letting our inner light shine.

I worry about this now because of the time I’ve been taking to be with my nieces. I worry about the world they are growing up in. The women that they see are you and me. The insecurities are thrust upon them because of how we are living.

I do not write this to point fingers or blame. Ultimately, we have to do what we are comfortable with. I guess what I’m trying to say is that when you’re in my presence— it’s a safe space to let your natural beauty shine. Because that’s all I can see, but it gets harder and harder with the more makeup you are wearing.